The Humiliating Journal of a Serial Procrastinator



If I actually grow the balls to go through with this, it will be an epic moment for me, a right stake in the ground! For me to bare myself like this to whomever is more than I can imagine but good things don’t come easy, right? LOL


So guys, the aim of this is essentially to humiliate myself into improvement, haha! Not really but let’s say I’m trying a different approach to getting befitting productivity from myself.


I am a person who is full of great lofty ideas but can never back it up with the
appropriate action to yield discernible fruit. In order words, I combine perfectionism and procrastination (cause? effect?) in a deadly cocktail and dine on it every moment of my life. As a result, not much gets done around here.


This creates -or emphasises- a catastrophic duality in me: always wanting, never taking! The only thing worse than the wars of these rival tormentors is their cooperation! On top of it all, I really really value my privacy. It’s a bag of bad lots.


I am a self-denier, I sabotage myself with my own actions, always waiting on perfection yet never taking the steps to meet it. I need to face up to the truth. My mind takes up so much space that my hands never get to do anything. It’s crazy. I am so full of excuses, very righteous ones, but garbage talk nonetheless. The diagnosis is simpler than all that: bs.


I am so scared to succeed! That’s weird, I'm sure we all agree. I’m scared to fail too but not as much as I’m scared to succeed. I demand such excellence from myself that I never dare commit myaelf or my name to anything for fear of falling short of my own standards? But what's slowly dawning as a revelation is that I can change. I can improve. If my first time is not good enough, I can always try again.


And that way, I can at least have a cache of failures to look back on rather than a cache of nothing. I reckon it's more exciting to say, "Remember that time we did so and so" than it is to say, "Remember when we did nothing..."


Today I received several little nudges toward action rather than inaction, but one which stood out was a saying about how we are making choices even when we do nothing- if nothing else, we're forming a habit and making it more difficult to choose action the next time. That's not great and I don't want parts in that.


The matter is a lot more complicated than this but I’m working on brevity, and this is verbose enough.

I am starting an online journal as a sort of motivation/inspiration/social experiment/accountability tool to see what happens when I take a different approach to dealing with a persisting problem.


Phew.

(Note to future self: If you see me tomorrow, CHEER!!!)
Location: Nigeria

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